“What’s ‘paranoid’?”
‘Two noids.’
“What’s a ‘noid’?”
I’m annoyed.
Scenario #1
I’m walking on the sidewalk. There are two teenagers walking towards me – one wearing his hoodie. As they pass me, Hoodie makes a sudden lurch towards me and screams. As I jerk away, he gleefully tells his mate, “I got him. Yeah, I’m good, man.” Hoodie’s pleased he’s made me flinch.
Scenario #2
Wifey and I are walking out of the train station. The path through the pedestrian tunnel is divided into two lanes by a rail, and each lane is wide enough only for two people. During rush hour, it is common practice for slower pedestrians in each lane to keep to one side and leave space for faster-moving pedestrians to navigate around.
We’re walking alongside each other, taking up the whole lane, but it’s a quiet day and there’s no one behind us. Midway through the tunnel two cyclists come up behind me. That’s right, cycling is not permitted, but these two 30 year-olds do it anyway. I don’t want them tailgating us, so I move over to let them pass. There’s no mention of thanks, and as they’re cycling out the first complains incessantly to the second that “the fucking Chink gave me a look” and acts out that he’s been maligned.
In both cases, I thought I’d say something, but I didn’t. How do you reason with such people? I’ve been through similar situations to know that when you try, it’s often (a) pointless, because their values are so skewed they don’t see it as wrong, or (b) when they sense they are losing the discussion, they find fault with something else, such as disliking the tone you’re speaking to them with, and turning it into an issue. “Are you disrespecting me? Are you disrespecting me? Are you disrespecting me?”
I sometimes let things go (probably too easily), to avoid the futility, but it bothers me. Part of me believes that letting something go unchecked is deference towards such behaviour, and one should always speak out. It’s also a measure of your own self-respect – how much do you allow others to roughshod over you? But balancing the fact that one should speak out, with the knowledge that it is pointless … well, that’s bothering me.
One thing that helps me to deal with it is to concentrate on other things, the nice people I’ve met (both in real life and in blogworld), the nice random acts of kindness I’ve encountered, and things like that. I suppose the positive I can take out of this is that the both of us were so pi$$ed off, we went running afterwards.
These two incidents are really getting at me. And even worse, these incidents are making me develop bad opinions towards certain groups of people – and I know I shouldn’t.
Some advice please – and I really would appreciate your opinions on any or all of the following:
1) Is this sort of behaviour typical of what one should expect, living in a big city?
2) How do you think I should have reacted in those cases?
3) Should one overlook acts of incivility, because failure is inevitable and trying to reason with perpetrators is merely prolonging the agony of the victim?
4) How would you have reacted? If you did stop to remonstrate, what might you have said?
Thank you for your perspectives.
10 Comments:
1. I don't know about living in a big city. However, I do think the level of rudeness has risen in general.
2. I think you took the right approach - no sense in escalating it, no way to win. They'd just go away talking about what a jerk you were (even though you weren't).
3. I think it depends on the circumstances. These days, your personal safety should be the first consideration. You don't know how someone will react. Really, someone who acts like that just isn't going to hear you, plus they will be defensive about their behavior. It will get ugly. Now, if they were kids, I'd call them on it - kids - not teens - are more likely to listen and remember. It's like they are just trying something on, and if we don't call them on it, they'll think it worked and they are cool.
4. I would have done the same thing - turned the other cheek. I struggle with the same thoughts about standing up for myself - but in the case of strangers, and having witnessed confrontations, heard stories that others tell about their confrontations, I don't believe they made a bit of difference. I think all that happens is rude people walk away thinking how right they were and what a jerk you are. They tell all their friends, and the friends support their position (maybe sometimes because they don't tell the whole truth about their own actions) and they feel vindicated.
That's what I think.
11:47 PM
1) Sadly I think there are low-lifes like that everywhere and not just in the big cities. In my opinion it stems from the parents and unfortunately (to me anyway) it seems there is no hope for them to change unless enough time passes and they come to their senses, meaning no matter what try to say or do because you are hurt and frustrated likely would not have an impact on them.
2) In both cases I absolutely would of been hurt to the core. But I live by the motto of taking the high road because of what I said under "1)" even if I lashed out or verbalized my feelings toward them I flat feel it would make no difference except invite a more complicated altercation.
3) Well it shouldn't be overlooked, yet I'm not certain what the answer is, I wish I knew. If the circumstance allows I would say report it to an authority. On a more "spiritual" level just keep living your life the best you can and be good to other people and hold out hope that those who are nut bags will find their way.
4) I would of reacted in tears no doubt, I do not believe humans should be so mean spirited toward each other and I likely would of felt victimized and hurt. But the stronger part of me would remind myself that it IS them and not me and unfortunately those kind are out there. If i DID stop to remonstrate I likely would of said don't be an a**hole -- because when I get so mad swear words come out... my heart would want to tell them what their parents should of instilled and that is respect and love for your fellow man and to behave in such ways is not flattering and undoubtedly will haunt them in some way or the other in their future.
I know you are hurt and mad I certainly would be, If either or both of those things happened to me I would not be able to shake it for a long time, but I would remind myself that it's not me, it's them and try to take the high road. I hope you find peace about the matter soon and I hope those f'ers find their way and if not stay out of the way of other decent people like yourself.
12:49 AM
Wow. I don't really know what to say, but I'll try...
Ignorance and rudeness, unfortuately, is something I see in the city and in the suburbs where I live, too. It doesn't seem to be just limited to one area.
I think that you did the right thing--you never know what people like that are capable of. I often hear the scariest news stories about how small altercations ended up with gunshots. You are right--it's not worth making the confrontation worse in that situation.
That being said, it's very easy for me to sit here and type all that. I think if I was in your position, I would have reacted with tears and LOTS of swearing. Possibly punching, and kicking in the family jewels. Not good. If there's a way to channel it into something positive--focusing on the good people out there like you stated above, maybe helping younger people/students apppreciate diversity more, or something like that, you can put your own little stamp on trying to end ridiculous racist ignorance. At least that's what I tell myself, when I try to tackle stuff like this. But with me, it's not usually comments directed AT me, but usually comments directed towards another group of people, and I'm the one trying to explain to students just how wrong they are. It's hard and I often feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with no top of the mountain in sight. But every once in a while I'll see/hear something come out of a young person's mouth that makes me feel slightly better.
2:16 AM
WOW....something totally off the mark from me...I am so behind on blogs...your new masthead. I have a hard time looking at it buddy!! WOW!
3:20 AM
that sucks, crappy thugs are everywhere - they'll get there due someday! i guess it would depend on the time of the month as to what I would do, it's a good thing you don't get PMS.
and dude, when do we get the happy pig banner? the cooked pig still scares me . . . and where's the apple - and what's up with the cooked chickens?
12:59 PM
Cooked pig, scary but I have to admit kinda funny.
My advice is not to get to worked up about all of it. I do not live in a big city. I also know you have had problems with youth in the past so, I feel for you.
I guess I would react much as you did it's pointless to get into things like this with random people that in the grand scheme of things really don't matter. I move on in the knowledge that I will not be that person nor will I be associated with that type of person or allow my kids to be that type of person.
Bad people are everywhere, try to focus on the good stuff. :)
2:16 PM
Tri Piggy, the best thing to do is let it go. Nothing you can say or do will help. That being said a few years ago some guy did the same thing to me about lunging at me. I reacted with a kick to the knee and my forearm to his nose. Guess he will not be doing that anymore. Stupid I know he could have had a gun but at least I was able to then pull a monty python and run away.
I still wish I had let it go, it never helps to escalate it up.
The racial slur is so awful. I hate that and wish they would just fall off the planet. That being said nothing you are going to say or do will change them. Take care of yourself and focus on the good things in life and enjoy a nice easy run.
4:20 PM
Hmm... Racial prejudism is a cancerous growth. It poisons the love that Jesus came to give us.
I had a fair dose of racial prejudism while I was in Sydney 2 weeks ago. What can I say? Hate the sin but love the sinner? Much easier said than done, I'll give you that! :(
2:36 AM
1. I would hope that this behavior is not what one should expect living in a big city, but I do think we should all be made aware that it does exist and these behaviors and attitudes should be discussed and solutions need to be found.
2. My rational side says that we should turn the other cheek, while my reactional side says that you should have chased the guy down and thrown him towards an oncoming train.
3. Not sure.
4. I am not sure that as a white male I can answer that question. For me to say that I can truly understand what minorities go through would be unfair to minorities. I wish that racism did not exist and that we all would respect each other and love each other. I probably would not have said anything nice if it would have happened to me. The irrational side of me might have sided towards violence.
Peace out Try! I hate that you have to deal with these situations, seriously!
5:27 AM
I've ignored rude behavior in the past. Once (years ago) while running with a friend 3 girls of a different color refused to move for us in any way or form (actually spread out more) and we ended up in ditches etc. Neither of us looked back or said a word for a full minute. Then....well no need to get into that. Sometimes people are trying to get a reaction out of you. I follow "turn the other cheek" and later I wish I had done "eye for an eye". (it's better than the other way around)
4:50 PM
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