Depressed and Trying

So far this week I've only done a run, and that was yesterday morning. It was only twenty minutes before everyone else awoke, so nothing much. Tonight I'll try to squeeze in some weights and pressups while watching the swimming on TV. It goes on until 1am.

Kate's gone up to visit her little nephew until Thursday, so today I did the housework in preparation for the other set of future in-laws (i.e. hers, my parents) to arrive this weekend. The kitchen is spick and span. I know my mother, so that took me two hours. Tomorrow it is me versus the rest of the house, and then some shopping, stuff for the wedding etc.

Yesterday was a bit of a down day, really. After everyone had left at 11 I spent a lot of time on the computer (now repaired) looking for rowing pictures. I don't row but I admire the discipline of rowers who are up early on a cold winter's morning to do sprints on the river. I also got some pictures of other things I am interested in - goaltenders, catchers, military stuff, triathlon etc and sent them off for printing. UK readers - may I recommend www.truprint.co.uk for digital pictures. They're generally quite quick to do them. Apparently Kate's dad knew someone who uploaded pictures on a Sunday afternoon and got them with Monday's post. Sunday afternoon!

The rest of yesterday was spent mucking around on the computer. As I've mentioned in a previous post, I have two weeks off in Easter and about six over the summer, so I wanted to hunt around online to find some teaching then. I was also looking for work to do during half terms, when we get a week's break during term, as I am on hourly pay. We're looking around for property as well, so guess what else I mouseclicked for yesterday?

My mood yesterday was still spoilt by what happened on Sunday afternoon. Basically my future father-in-law was very critical, unnecessarily so, about a few issues and I had to bite my tongue on those occasions to avoid spoiling the peace. But I felt afterwards that I had not stood up for myself and lost a bit of self-respect. It's a bit of a difficult line to draw - having to balance retorting with biting my tongue - but my stand on that is that people should never put others in that position. That would be a lack of class. When I'm teaching in schools I know I wield authority over the children but I never abuse that. Anyway, I was quite fed up also and couldn't get to sleep on Sunday night. In anger I wrote the beginning of this fictional story:

Everyone has left. It is time to begin my cleansing. As expected, the glass shatters on impact. The main piece - cracked, jagged edges - bounces off the couch onto the floor while the little ones scatter in every direction. I was aiming for his mouth. I visualize him stopping in mid-sentence, the lower part of his face a complete mess of beard, glass and red. That will shut you up, I think. "Are you alright, dad?" She casts me a disbelieving look. Not the wife, though - she is concerned but makes no effort to help. She gives me the I've-had-thirty-years-of-this-shit look.

That's how it would have unfolded. Yes, that's I would have wished it to. Instead the only thing that was cut twelve hours ago was my tongue. Mute. Responseless. Coward. I feel partially appeased now. The biggest piece of glass draws a line of red from my index finger as I examine it. Damn. The bastard's still trying to get me. He won't rest until he's bled me dry. I see his face, smirk superimposed on wall. I create more fragments from that piece. Then I choose the biggest of what's left and do it over again and again.

Anyway, I've entered ramble mode. Monday in a nutshell: Too much time wasted on surfing, bad mood, miss my fiancee, training - short, diet - shot. I watched series one of Frasier, then went to bed at 3am and got up at 7 today. That's ten hours sleep over two days, but I still remember enough about life in the mortar platoon to know that's nothing to complain about. We had eight hours total in that last week.

I've spent some time writing other short stories this week and will post them after they have been judged.

Tomorrow's targets
Do a short run and weights
Do the shopping
Spend less time on the computer
Get the housework sorted out
Get myself sorted out

I don't think I'll be able to better my 5K time as yet, as I had intended to, but it's not a big deal to me. All my fastest times to date, posted on the right, were achieved last month on relatively little training. I can only improve.

Still, I feel like I'm in a funk and just need to snap out of it.